


The Hussie Has Spoken, Let Fic Now Make It So

by MiniNephthys



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack Pairing, F/F, F/M, M/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-04
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-13 13:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/504229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniNephthys/pseuds/MiniNephthys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>@andrewhussie: as an act of unprecedented magnanimity and good will, today I declare all ships are officially canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rose Lalonde and the Psiioniic

Dream bubbles never quite match up to life. There are few ways in which this is more apparent than with food. Rose's dream tea is acceptable, but not up to her standards.

Still, it's all she can make, and so she places the teacup in front of her guest. "My apologies. If we could meet by any other method, I would prepare you something of higher caliber than this."

"It'th fine. There'th no need to apologize." The troll sips his tea, holding the cup properly. Rose approves.

"If I may ask a burning question..." She hesitates. Perhaps she had better not dredge up old memories, ones that were bound to be painful, while pleasantly having tea together. It is a delicate subject between them, one of several.

"One about him? Or about her?" he asks, speaking plainly. There are two people in his life that they return to frequently.

She shakes her head. "One about you."

"Go ahead." He sets the teacup down.

"Even now that the voices you've heard are gone, do you still feel..." She isn't sure how to phrase it.

"Ath if they never left?" She nods, and the Psiioniic sighs. "There will alwayth be timeth when I have dark thoughth I can't control. Everyone doeth, not only people like you and me. The only differenthe ith that I know they're going to end."

So she isn't alone. "Thank you," Rose says, and pours herself some tea.


	2. Jadesprite and Kankri Vantas

This is a problem; this is really, seriously a problem. Kankri has without a doubt just triggered this sprite, and now she is a crying mess.

"I am terribly sorry-" he tries to get in through the wailing. It doesn't seem that she's heard him, though, as her ears don't so much as twitch. "If I had know that you would react this way I would never have said something so insensitive-" Again, she only continues crying.

He hasn't triggered someone this badly in ages, due to his careful consideration of their needs. What should he say? What should he do? They didn't have a previous discussion of how to act in such a situation. He's going to have to play it completely by ear.

The first thing he can think of is hugging her. So he does.

Jadesprite's sobs gradually lessen into sniffles that she buries in his chest. He gently rubs her back, not speaking for the moment.

Eventually she pulls away from him and rubs her eyes. "I... I think I'm okay now..." she says. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for causing you pain," he says, and considers talking about feelings shaming before deciding to leave it at that. Especially when she smiles at him, he doesn't feel like saying anything at all.


	3. Mom and the Disciple

The Disciple is a wild one at heart. She believes in the Signless's message of peace and brotherhood, clings to it with a passion, but when the message cannot reach an angry and violent troll's ears then the Disciple is the first to defend him with all her power. She claws, bites, and does whatever is necessary to keep her beloved safe.

This woman they've picked up, the Marquess, is more refined than that. She carefully aims her rifle and takes out any opponent in one shot or two shots at most. Even when she fights hand-to-hand, there's an elegance to her movements that the Disciple does not have and never will.

When the Dolorosa treats their wounds, it's more often that she has to chide the Disciple for her injuries than the Marquess. Every time the Dolorosa scolds her for her rashness, the Marquess praises her equally for her bravery and strength. It makes the Disciple a little green, and her fidgeting disturbs her bandages, causing the Dolorosa to scold her again. It goes on.

She'd like to say that her fighting will never be as breathtaking as the Marquess simply letting her hair down, but she isn't sure she has the right words for it yet. She writes and rewrites her lines in her head, waiting for that perfect combination that is worthy to share with the world.


	4. Terezi Pyrope and WQ

White is such a boring flavor, Terezi's always thought. Vanilla. You can't draw in white. It's lucky that there were so many prototypings, otherwise she'd have nothing to taste around Prospit.

As it is, she's busy licking the mishmash on a random Prospitian who's been gently trying to pry her off when she notices something on her head. Something spiky. Like... a crown?

Sometimes when you do random you get lucky. Sometimes you get unlucky. Terezi lets the White Queen go.

She sighs. "Seer of Mind."

"Yes, your Majesty?"

"In the future, I will address you before licking me to discover my identity is necessary."

"Yes, your Majesty." Terezi flicks her tongue out to taste the air, all the same. "Would it help if I said you were delicious?"

"No. Now, come. We have much to discuss, you and I."


	5. Auto Responder and Mom

The shades she picks up address her by name, then are disappointed, if artificial intelligence can be disappointed, when she doesn't recognize them. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them, it quotes, and then attributes it to the wrong person. She tsks.

There is a certain familiarity that she can't explain, however. It's been five minutes and already she is comfortable speaking to a pair of intelligent sunglasses. Perhaps there is more to this scratch business than she thought.

She'll keep them with her, make conversation when she isn't defeating underlings. He's not a bad conversation partner, just a little strange. Wistful, at times, for a world and a Roxy Lalonde that don't exist here. A little immature. From his mention of his origins, it isn't his fault how he was created.

She wonders offhandedly when she started thinking of the sunglasses as a 'he'. Well, he prefers it that way, so why not?


	6. Meenah Peixes and Aradia Megido

The other Megido isn't too bad, but she has this weird appreciation of stuff that she tries to get Meenah to share. Aradia likes old bones and relics of civilizations gone long before her time. Meenah doesn't give two fins about any of these things except that they sell for a lot of dough, and money can get her things that she actually wants.

That's appreciating, right? She's not going to just break this stuff. She's pretty sure Aradia would ghost kill her for that.

Aradia can get weird sometimes, hard to talk to. But when she's talking about this kind of stuff instead of bubbling on about death or time weirdness, she lights up. Almost like she's a normal person.

Maybe Meenah will make a point of selling her some of this crap. Not just so she can listen to her talk about it, but because she's bound to pay good money for it. Yep. That's the whole reason.


	7. Terezi Pyrope and Dad

Normal is weird nowadays, and John's human lusus is the most normal of the bunch. Terezi is displeased that she can't interrogate him too much about the bizarre human method of reproduction before he changes the subject, but there are plenty of other topics on which to expand her knowledge of human behavior!

Such as hats. Trolls rarely wear hats. To cover your horns would be the same as proclaiming that they are tiny, unimpressive things. John's dad, on the other hand, looked perfectly fine when she stole his, but it was soon replaced with yet another hat. He just likes them, he explains. There's nothing wrong with that.

When she wears one of his hats and goes around spraying shaving cream at people, she ends up poking two horn-shaped holes in the brim. Guilty, she returns the damaged hat to him, but he just says that she can keep it. He has another hat that's nearly identical, and now they match.

Which is sweet.


	8. Kanaya Maryam and Snowman

Kanaya has lost much of her grace since becoming a vampire drinker, in favor of straight-up knocking people's skulls in when it's necessary. It's hard to be elegant with someone's head under your chainsaw.

For Snowman, that trade-off isn't needed. She has a deadly elegance that Kanaya can't help but admire from a safe distance. Is she lovely because she's dangerous, or is she dangerous because she's lovely? Probably they both feed on each other.

Kanaya jolts when she realizes that the safe distance is no longer so safe and Snowman is looking down at her from close up. "Snowman, I, err-"

Snowman holds a finger to her lips, then speaks in a voice that is smooth and sweet like a Venus Flytrap.

"You have so much potential. Would you like to join the Felt?"

She smiles at her answer.


	9. Bro and Gamzee Makara

Gamzee stares at the horrible, hideous... _thing_.

Lil' Cal stares back.

Stare.

"I see you're getting along," Bro says.

Gamzee turns toward him. "From one motherfucker to another: you gotta get rid of this abomination, or it'll kill you in your sleep, man." This is probably the most serious thing he has ever said, but Bro chuckles and pats him on the back.

That seals it. If Bro doesn't understand how serious the situation is, he's going to stay around and keep an eye on that... that...

That thing.

He doesn't want anyone to get murdered by this creeper, especially not a bro like Bro.


	10. Davesprite and Aradia Megido

Of all the trolls, Davesprite likes Aradia best. This is not the most contested position ever: there are only twelve of them alive, and most of them are huge bone bulges, in his opinion. Living in a doomed timeline for months because one decided to mess around will do that to a guy.

But Aradia's all right. She sympathizes, now that sympathy is something that she can do. She understands what it's like to see yourself die again and again and again. And she keeps going. She keeps smiling. It's something Davesprite can't manage as often as he would like to.

"How do you do it?" he asks over Trollian.

She seems to know what he's talking about, and pauses for thought. "No one else will do it for me. No one else will make me smile but myself," she replies.

It's a good answer. Davesprite takes it to heart.


	11. Caliborn and the Signless

Caliborn has never met a bigger pervert than the Signless.

It's like. Okay. If a normal, average, missionary position kind of human guy whose idea of spicing it up was the cowgirl position or maybe, at his most wild and crazy, a crappy costume for roleplaying, if that kind of guy met a guy who talked all the time about how he loved to tie his blindfolded girlfriend to a cross and smack her with a chicken, the average guy would probably be very uncomfortable. That is how Caliborn feels about the Signless.

All that peace, love, friendship, tolerance... it's disgusting. It's borderline criminal. Well, actually, it is criminal, which is why the Signless is on the run all the time. Good on the justice system of Alternia.

Why the hell does he keep talking to this guy? Calliope has the idea that prolonged exposure to the Signless will make anyone a better person, which is just a good a reason for Caliborn to avoid him as any.

He just has to respect a man who's that open about his perversions. At least a little.


	12. Dad and Auto-Responder

When a sentient pair of sunglasses is treated like an unfeeling mechanism by his crush for so long, a sentient pair of sunglasses begins to consider other options.

Such as Jane's dad. Man, Jane's dad has a nice body. You'd think making cakes all day wouldn't do much for him, but he's pretty toned. He must work out when he's not spoiling Jane with confectionaries. If he could only catch a recording of him lifting heavy pans and pots- well, he'd be wearing a shirt in the kitchen, so ideally somewhere else-

Dirk snorts after listening to the auto-responder ramble. "You, my friend, have some strange tastes in older men."


	13. Caliborn and Jade Harley

He is not not redeemable. She is not not not absolutely driving him up the wall half the time.

Caliborn makes his most generous offer ever, after being told that he really should have a living Space player. "Come with me. It'll just be you and me, no stupid 'siblings' or 'friends'-" he pauses to shudder- "-in our session. Lord of Time, god tier Witch of Space. It's... nice."

Jade answers clearly and calmly. "No."

"Well screw you then."

"I have enough trouble dealing with you over the internet," Jade explains, "and no way would I want to even be in the same set of worlds as you. I am not that stupid!"

There are many reasons why being near Caliborn is not a stupid idea. His propensity to kill people on his whims is one of them, clearly. Clearly.


	14. Jake English and Tavros Nitram

Most Tavroses die in the same way, and it's really uncool and unexciting. Some Tavroses live past that, or die earlier than that but in a way more dignified than the whole... Vriska debacle.

When you're dead, 'how'd you die' usually replaces 'what do you do' in introductions. You don't do much of anything nowadays.

Jake occasionally finds himself in dreambubbles with the dead, and when he does he gets enraptured with the story of how Tavros used a thrown lich to trip a giclops, felled the giclops and the lich in one stab of his lance, and then got scorched by a random basilisk he hadn't seen behind the giclops.

"Well, up until that point your adventure was the cat's pajamas," Jake tells Tavros.

"Is, is that good?" asks Tavros. "I have a cat allergy..."

"It's a turn of phrase. You can't be allergic to an expression." Jake has never had a problem crying 'nuts!' anyway.

"So it's good?" Tavros looks at Jake with hope in his eyes.

Jake is the Page of Hope after all. "It's good."

Tavros cheers quietly to himself. Jake wakes up just after that.


End file.
